The Wicker Man-1973 vs. The Wicker Man-2006 (No Spoilers)

The 7th and final day of Originals and Their Remakes Week ends the festivities with two horrid "horror" films.

A police officer travels to a small, privately owned island to investigate the disappearance of a local girl, whom the locals claim doesn't exist.

There are two reasons to never remake a film. 1.) The movie was done perfectly the first time and there is absolutely no possible way to improve upon it or 2) The movie sucked so bad the first time there is absolutely no way to improve it. This set of films falls into the latter category.

I was really expecting greatness from the original version of The Wicker Man. I had heard and read how it was one of the best horror films of all time. I guess I should stop hearing and reading.

So a lone police officer travels to a mysterious isle to investigate a disappearance. Really? Just one guy goes to find a small girl in unfamiliar territory? Sounds like a big neon sign for danger to me. Then when he gets there and realizes that everyone has a hostile edge about strangers, he doesn't immediately head back to the mainland for backup. No, instead he sticks around and spouts off his Christian beliefs to the pagans, like it's going to make a difference.

The remake is certainly no better. Why is a California traffic "cop" going alone to do detective work on an island off the Washington state mainland? Shouldn't he have contacted the authorities in, oh I don't know, WASHINGTON?! And for both films, it's all downhill after that.

The original is plagued with boring, folksy musical numbers throughout and the detective's constant talk of Christianity, like anyone's listening. Oh, and the naked Britt Ekland dance...seriously? I know the boys of "Coupling" loved it, but what the hell was the point of that? Chirstopher Lee was quite menacing as Lord Summerisle, until he put on a dress and wig for the festival, then he was just ridiculous.

But as ludicrous as the original is, the remake pushes the stupidity envelope even further. First, it takes forever to set the story up, as Nic Cage's version of the cop is haunted by the death of a girl and her mother whom he pulled over on the side of the highway, all of which will pointlessly and inexplicably tie in to the climatic ending. Once on the actual island, he doesn't preach any Christian beliefs, but he does yell and punch people in the face a lot, but to no avail. Ellen Burstyn didn't make nearly the menacing villain that Lee did as Sister Summersisle, but I'm always left in awe of her beauty. I can't believe that woman is 75.

The two main problems with both films are 1.) neither should be classified as horror, despite their attempt at being labeled as such, and 2.) the "heroes" of the story aren't worth rooting for. The films easily fall into a mystery category, but they don't come close to being scary. Both try to take you through twists and turns of the girl's whereabouts, and yes the ending is somewhat shocking, but not worth the previous hour and a half of suffering. Then when both cops have their fate sealed for them during that somewhat shocking ending, I realized I just didn't care, because they were far from likable or interesting. So there's really no one to care about or make a connection with.

Even though I feel like my time was wasted, at least the remake had all the unintentional humor to keep my attention.

Ratings:
The Wicker Man (1973)

The Wicker Man (2006)


And so concludes the Originals and Their Remakes Theme Week. I already have the next theme week planned, but it may be awhile before I get around to it. I hope you enjoyed this one.